Does it matter if your future in-laws dislike or hate you?

Future In-laws dislike you

Hi guys! so today we are talking about relationships. Specifically if it matters if your future in-laws dislike or hate you, or disapprove of the impending union for one reason or the other. Sometimes the reason is valid ( to them) but sometimes they just don’t like you for very petty or unreasonable reasons.  And by in-laws I mean the whole gang, the parents, and siblings.

Let’s look at this scenario.

K has been dating S for years, they love each other so much. And now it’s time to get formally introduced to the family. However, her parents are kicking vehemently against the union.

The dislike isnt news to either of them, they just assumed (wrongly) that when S mentioned ” marriage” the parents would come around and take ” S” like their own child. They have tried everything in the book to get them to like or at least accept S but they have refused to budge. They have another guy in mind for their daughter, D the son of a family friend who they think is so much more suitable. 

K loves S, but this little issue of her parents disliking him is beginning to get to him. Suddenly his visions of happily ever after, and watching the sun set together is threatened by her parents.

Future In-laws dislike or hate you

At first he thought he could cope, after all they didn’t have to live together with her parents, but his parents are also starting to hesitate. He can’t blame them, the muddy water poured on them the last time they visited S’s parents to try to convince them is not easily forgettable. Neither are the insults of gold digging reigned upon both son and parents .

Now if the question was about S getting parental approval, looking at it from a biblical standpoint, I probably know what my answer will be, but we are looking at it from K’s  angle, bearing in mind that it is also an African setting. We all know how you marry not just the man, but his family.

Questions you need to ask yourself if you know your future in-laws dislike or hate you

1)  ” Is it worth it? “

Yep! The World makes it seem like ” Love can conquer everything” but they lie.  He or she may be madly in love with you now but do not underestimate the bond between family members. Especially that of mother and child.  I have had cause to hear stories of women whose mother in laws hated them before their marriages, and did not stop that hatred till they died. Beloved! when your future or present in-laws dislike or hate you, It can eventually lead to separation or divorce.

Future In-laws dislike or hate you

That realization stopped me in my tracks once. To go through marriage on tenterhooks amidst criticism and disapproval till death did not seem like a good plan. I realized that she was never going to like me. Never. And it was dangerous to go into marriage with the son of a woman who did NOT like me. I don’t want to say “hated”, in case he read this, but that’s actually what it was.

You have to also realize that if they don’t like you, that dislike can spread over to any kids you have. Are you prepared to answer your kids when they ask why Grandpa doesn’t like them?

I don’t know if your answer to my question is yes? But for me, it was a big NO.

2)  ” Is this just a minor disapproval or a strong hatred”? 

It is pretty common for some future in-laws not to take an immediate likening to a new person joining their family, however sooner or later, they ease up and welcome you with open arms. It’s important to pinpoint the reasons why your future in-laws dislike or hate you so as to know the likelihood of your future in-laws getting over that disapproval. Is it just a case of ” he is not good enough for their baby girl” or a case of ” Over their dead body will he marry my Son”. My dear reader, if it’s the latter case, please move forward.

3)” What is God saying”?

This is the most important question. See! God knows the future and the past. He created them, and he created man. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:1 that God can change the heart of a king. So what’s one pesky in-law to God if it is his will?

You need to talk to God and ask him what his will is. Sometimes, that disapproval is God’s way of telling you the relationship or intending marriage isn’t his will.

Future In-laws dislike or hate you

You therefore have to be spiritually conscious and ask God for go ahead. He will tell you why this has occurred and what to do. Be assured that if your future in-laws dislike or hate you, and God says go ahead, then he will sort things out. Just be sure that God is speaking and not the idol in your heart oh.

Other Tips.

Seek godly counsel.

I talked to my mum and at a point, after countless prayers my pastor warned me not to go ahead. My mum also concurred. You can’t blame her, her sister had just died after her mother in law who hated her and knew she was ill, frustrated and manhandled her.

Check yourself.

This is just to be sure that your future in-laws reaction isn’t a counter reaction to your own behavior. Maybe they perceive you as rude or proud, lazy or racist. It’s important to know if you contributed to their disapproval so that you can work on the past misconception.

Now, your turn. Have you ever been in a situation where the future in-laws disliked you? How did you go about it? Do you know someone who went through with it? How are they doing now?

Whats your take? Fight it through or Let go?

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15 Comments

  • Reply
    Oredex
    February 20, 2017 at 2:51 pm

    Serious issue you have raised. The issue here is whether it’s minor or dangerous hatred. Well the person should figure it out. And if it’s a minor disapproval that can be corrected with time, love and patience they can conquer. But if it’s serious hatred, Pls pick race, what’s the point of having in laws that would always seek to ruin your home, and the worst is if anything happen God forbid they would say “and we did not even want her to marry our son”.
    First thing I did was get to know my in laws before the relationship was 3month. And I and my hubby( then partial boyfriend) agreed that if they refused or if I don’t Iike them that was going to be the end. Fortunately I did.
    I shined my eyes to every atom of behavioral disapproval and didn’t see any.
    The problem is when there is serious dissaproval and you think you can change them, without clearly hearing from God, and I mean hearing urself, praying heard.
    If you want to go into it head strong, just fight it to finish. And both parties must know what they are going into from the onset.
    Don’t complain along the line. Bare the pain of not having your in laws around during celebrations and struggles.

    • Reply
      Bisola
      February 21, 2017 at 8:19 pm

      Thanks Ore. Yeah! Minor disapproval can still be managed, but outright hatred, No way. If it were my sister, I would tell her same.
      Hmm! I like this your style and the fact that hubby was cool with it ?. Some guys would have been like “if they don’t like you, then it’s your fault “.

      Yeah! What’s the point in having in-laws who would always seek to ruin your home when you could have the opposite.
      Marriage is hard enough without adding in-laws hatred to the mix.
      Lol at shined your eyes.

      Yeah?! Problem is where you see the problem clearly ahead and you pretend to yourself that it doesn’t matter.
      Anyone who wants to go into it, better know what they are signing up for. And no complaints down the line as you have said.
      Thanks for your comments.

  • Reply
    Immanuel
    February 20, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    This is a serious issue.

    I am not a relationship expert but I concur with all what you wrote up there. There is no point striving and putting yourself under undue stress all in the name of marriage. The truth is most of our parents were born pre colonial era which exposes them to the evils of tribal and social bias that are unfounded and they hold strongly to this perspective.

    Except in a case where you are sure about what God is saying to move ahead with it, my brothers and sisters,take the next flight ASAP.

    My #2 cent

    • Reply
      Bisola
      February 21, 2017 at 2:54 pm

      Lol. You don’t need to be a relationship expert. I am sure you are capable. ?.
      I agree totally. No point giving yourself undue stress all because you want to marry.
      Yeah! Some just hate some particular tribes for no reason.
      Lol at take flight.

  • Reply
    'seyi
    February 21, 2017 at 10:19 am

    Sister bisi, I totally agree with all you said, especially the God factor, I think we should seek God first in everything, no matter how little it is.

    https://scarletmakeovers.wordpress.com

    • Reply
      Bisola
      February 21, 2017 at 3:16 pm

      Yes oh. Putting God first is key. It can save us a lot of stress and anxiety ahead. He knows the future.
      I like the last part. No matter how little it is,we shouldn’t remove God from it.

  • Reply
    Dee
    February 21, 2017 at 10:52 am

    you have said it all sister but i wish to reiterate that ones’s choice should first be ‘d (perfect) will of God’ before forging ahead.other steps can be taken up from there.I also agree with OREDEX’s last 2 paragraphs. in all, we can’t do anything successfully without d guidance of d H. S.

    • Reply
      Bisola
      February 21, 2017 at 3:43 pm

      Yeah! A lot us get the permissive will of God and wonder why things go wrong. Perfect will isn’t the same with permissive will of God.
      I believe in prayer before making a choice rather than prayer after you have made up your mind and just want God to stamp “approved”.
      You are right guidance of the Holy Spirit is key.
      Thanks for commenting.

  • Reply
    Brenda
    February 21, 2017 at 12:41 pm

    Nice article,

    Bisi, first i will say this Africa and not the very developed continents where two people can just meet today and get married tomorrow without the involvement of their family members or friends.

    In Africa, a woman (especially) doesn’t get married to her husband alone but his entire family. Even when the man thinks he is in charge of the wedding/marriage, we all know its not true because his family have almost a 70% or more say in the marriage.

    Relations and In law are always involved. And an an event where the In-laws (husband’s people) do not like you as a woman, it goes a long way to determine how that marriage (if it eventually goes through) will be.

    Your once loving husband can turn beast overnight and you would be wondering where is it coming from?

    And to answer the question of this post, it matters a lot if your future In-laws dislike or hate you. My advice to women is that, when you notice your fiance’s people do not like you, don’t go ahead with that marriage. It doesn’t end well.

    I read somewhere of a lady whose fiance’s mother and sisters do not like her and she is already seeing the signs but yet she is thinking everything will change when they tie the knot……. I PITY HER!

    brendascouch.com

    • Reply
      Bisola
      February 21, 2017 at 4:32 pm

      Hi Brenda dear.
      Yeah! In Africa, you can’t just go behind the family and get married. They are involved somehow and very vocal about it.

      For sure whether they like you or not goes a long way in determining the kind of marriage you will have. The only exception is probably where they live abroad, and if the man is exceptionally strong minded. And even those aren’t guarantees.

      Lol. He turns beast and there’s no support or help at all from his family because all they want is for you to separate.

      I pity her too. She doesn’t really understand the implications. I know someone who is going through it now, her mother in law dislikes her and says her son is yet to marry a wife. That is after years of marriage and children.

  • Reply
    Dee
    February 21, 2017 at 5:52 pm

    that reminds me, I know a particular women who was insensitive to such a case of inlaws’ dislike.she once referred to her ‘to be mil’ as mum during their courtship&d sils descended on her.believe me, dt marriage of 29yrs is still as turbulent as wateva

    • Reply
      Bisola
      February 21, 2017 at 8:08 pm

      Hmm! I bet she wished she had been more sensitive. Anyway if she can cope for 29 years, she’s probably figured out how to manage the situation.

      Ehm” beht” why did the Sils descend on her for calling her mil to be mum? Shouldn’t they be happy that she thinks of her to be Mil as her mum? Na wah for those sils oh.
      SILs drama is bad enough. When It’s sil and mil added together, it’s Fuji house of commotion. ?
      I had a friend who referred to her Sils as” flying eagles”. Lol.

  • Reply
    E
    February 22, 2017 at 12:54 pm

    After seeing and hearing the things some peopls go through with their terrible in-laws, my answer to your question is that, it is not worth it at all in my opinion. I think the key to deciding whether to go forward with a marriage that’s already mired with tension and strife from inlaws, is that one should be able to distinguish between if the inlaws are just terribly evil people without the fear of God and empathy for others or if they’re just difficult people who have good within them.
    For me personally, I believe that if one marries into a more educated, civilized and cultured family, then the chances of having serious issues with the inlaws would reduced, but not eliminated . Because sometimes these issues stem from insecurities and ignorance (not like it’s their fault that they don’t know better sha, sometimes it is because they’re the products of their environment). All in all I agree with everyone in saying following God’s will is very important, and I’ll add it’s good to even pray for the kind of family you marry into long before you even start a relationship.

    • Reply
      Bisola
      February 23, 2017 at 8:44 am

      It is so not worth it. I think that people who think it is are those who haven’t heard the stories or have eye witness account of the havoc terrible in-laws can wreck on a marriage.
      Yeah! I like your method of discerning what kind of in-laws they really are.
      That’s another way to look at it. The mother in-law I talked about was educated though so it varies.
      I think that even with education they can find educated ways to frustrate somebody. It won’t be the nollywood razz kind of frustration,but frustration nonetheless.
      Of course God’s will is important. And yes oh, it’s not just the spouse one has to pray about you go into relationship, the kind of family one marries into is a good solid prayer point.
      Thank you E for the points you raised.

  • Reply
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